Hey guys! I've finally bitten the bullet and posted my first Into My Soul Vlog that I have been thinking about doing for ages but always made up some kind of excuse like oh I don't have the right camera, or the right lighting, or the right background but here it is! I'm really looking forward to sharing my journey into my soul over the last few years in becoming self aware of my emotional injuries, how Divine Truth has had a massive impact on my life and what I'm discovering in my experimentation with a relationship with God.
Divine Father (Daikon Flower) - to help and encourage healing of the emotional wounds of the "father" in every direction.
Recently I experimented with taking a bottle of flower essences provided by Christine Cobden from One Garden Essences. I decided to experiment with essences with the soul focus of feeling my emotions and accessing emotions that I did not want to feel. Like many tools flower essences can be a great help to assist us to feel our emotions not avoid them. If were using a tool to make ourselves feel better or avoid emotions then it will not benefit us in the long run. It will also not benefit us to become dependant on tools to feel our emotions, rather we can use them to give us a kick start when we are feeling a bit stuck to help us on our way to becoming completely self responsible for feeling all of our emotions.
Before I continue I want to say that I am no expert in flower essences and what I share is purely from a personal experience of what I found and discovered along the way. This is also open to error due to my soul condition of love that I may need to correct in the future but this is where I am at right now and what I have learnt.
Just a bit of background to my decision to experiment with essences. Months before I decided to experiment with these essences I started to realise that my law of attraction hadn't changed for many years in certain area's of my life such as my relationship with God, soulmate, friends and living situation. I have previously written about this and I recommend reading that blog first here to get a bit of background of my discovery about these emotions.
I chose to experiment with Christine's essences because she also follows Divine Truth teachings and understands a lot about the emotional processes we need to go through in order to release and heal emotional injuries from the soul. She advocates that the essences are merely a tool and that it is up to me to do the emotional work while I am on them. To my understanding there are natural messages from God and the Celestial realms in the particular genetic design of the flowers that can teach us a lot about God, the spirit world and ourselves. With the help of her spirit guides Christine is inspired by the design of each flower to create and name the essences and share the specific message they have for us about our existence.
To begin my course with these essences I had an over the phone consultation with her and she used her law of attraction cards of the essences to determine what flower essences I needed at this time for my specific emotional injuries that I needed to work on. Each card is named after all the essences she has personally made and she drew the cards one by one, with the first card drawn being the most significant emotional injury to focus on. The cards that she drew for me in this order were:
The first essence I would like to focus on is Divine Father given this is the area of most importance at this time that I need to work on. Divine Father was created from the flower of Daikon, a Japanese root vegetable she grew in her Fibonacci Golden Spiral garden. For 3 weeks after she made this essence she had the Bee Gees song "Run To Me" playing over and over in her head and when that finished the song "Gotta Get a Message To You" played for another 3 weeks.
This essence focuses on the blocks that we have to our relationship with God which in this case are all connected to our relationship with our earthly father. I am not surprised that this is the first card that was drawn as I have been aware for quite some time that I have been projecting my emotional injuries that I have with my earthly father onto God. In 2015 I wrote a letter to God everyday for a year however did not feel God's presence at all in my life and made the discovery that it was my father issues that was preventing me from feeling Him. I have also had quite a few different law of attraction events and illnesses over the last year showing me this injury with men and I had been listening to Madonna's Oh Father in the months leading up to taking these essences - a song I used to listen to a lot as a teenager.
However the issue is that I have been quite stuck on feeling any emotions about how my earthly father has treated me which means I have been quite resistive. I have felt a lot of emotion in regards to my mother but I have deeply suppressed a lot of my anger, grief and sadness about my earthly father, and the truth that a lot of my abandonment injuries also come from him as well. Over the years the suppressed grief with my father has pretty much turned in rage and anger towards all men. I've hated on men, I've used them for my own sexual gratification even tho I identify as a gay soul and I felt a massive resistance to any kind of male interaction.
This has definitely affected my relationship with God, I just see God as a horrible man that can't be trusted and that is just going to abandon me in the end. Due to all of this pent up rage I have had a tendency all my life to self punish and hate myself and men rather than feel just how much I've been hated by my father. A month into taking these essences I began to have more than usual sexual dreams with men and I also had some law of attraction events that led me to feeling some emotions about my earthly father that I had never allowed myself to feel before.
On the 10 June 2017 at 1:30am I wrote in my journal:
'Dear God, I never realised just how much my dad has damaged me emotionally. Tonight I felt a sadness that I had never felt before about my dad. At first I felt angry and wanted to hate myself and punish myself. Then I realised that my dad hated me. I have deeply suppressed the hurt of these feelings, I have pushed them so far down in my soul that I forgot how sad I was at the complete loss, rejection and abandonment of my father. I felt things I had never felt before or even knew existed in me about my father. I never realised how deeply sad, broken and abandoned I have felt form him. He hurt and broke me from the inside out with his words, projection of hate, anger, blame, resentment and judgement towards me. I still feel this.'
That was the first night in my whole existence that I had ever cried and sobbed from a deep and grieving place about my earthly father. I felt like a little girl when I was crying, the little sensitive girl that felt so abused but never allowed herself to cry all those years ago. It wasn't a blaming cry and I probably didn't release anything causal but it was a true emotional surrender to the truth of how my earthly father has completely turned his back on me and has never ever been there for me in anyway whatsoever.
I know that I have way more to feel on this issue and there are other experiences I have had with God this year which I am yet to share however, I do feel somewhat closer to God than I ever have over the last three and half years of experimenting with a relationship. I am beginning to feel God as a reality with each and every new little experience my faith is now beginning to grow that God exists and is right there waiting for each of us to find and discover Him.
There is probably so much more I could talk about in regards to my father issues and I also have so much more to share at some future point about some of the other discoveries I had about my emotional injuries and emotions in general that came up while on was on these essences. However this is all I have for now and I just want to say that I felt that my time on the essences was really beneficial in assisting me to feel my emotions. Just like many tools such as juice cleansing or music, flower essences can be a powerful tool as well. There was a lot that I felt and discovered about myself that I look forward to sharing more soon.
Love Thaylia X
One Garden Essences
ARTWORK CREDIT: Eloisa Lytton-Hytchins
Over the last few years I have recorded a collection of emotional experiences I have gone through in becoming self aware of what's in my facade - the things I believe about myself that aren't really true. We can all become self aware of what is inside of us if we listen to the messages that are right in front of us in our daily lives. The universe, God, the Law of Attraction is constantly bringing us situations and people to expose to us our unhealed emotional injuries that include our fears, anger, addictions, judgements and every single thought, word or action that is out of harmony with God's view of love. The way to gauge what the unloving error is inside of us is to feel what our emotional response is to any given situation. Our emotions are our guide, if any fear, anger, annoyance, frustration or any negative emotion arises we can automatically assume that we have an emotional injury or error that needs to be felt and released regardless of what the external trigger may have been. Every emotion we feel is our responsibility to heal no matter who put it in us or how it got there.
The end goal is to work through all that is unloving within ourselves so that we can truthfully feel love and compassion towards others no matter what their actions are. In this place we will truly come to love our enemies, feel love for even the most darkest soul such as the soul who kills or rapes. We will come to see every person as our family and we won't just favour the ones who are our family or closest friends. My law of attraction has exposed to me my judgements, anger, fear and hatred many times so I am going through this process myself and it is a process we will all have to go through if we want to see peace on earth. All of our unloving emotions are contributing to turmoil that's in the world whether we are physically partaking in it or not, our emotions are creating our environment and the world we live in. So we need to start with ourselves before we will see change in the world.
I have attempted at best to listen to these messages that are brought to me on a daily basis, sometimes I am arrogant and don't want to see what I'm being shown and usually in this place I get physically ill so I know ignoring the messages doesn't work. Other times I am humble and in that place I can see it and allow myself to go through the emotional experience of whatever emotion has been triggered and usually in this place of humility I learn so much and feel so much joy at the end of it. I have found the law of attraction to be so beneficial in teaching me so much about myself and what my emotional injuries are and this is something that we all can do.
I will be sharing some of these experiences I have learnt over the next few months starting with this one that I had back in 2015. This experience is about becoming self aware of my fear of having real connection with people. This issue is still a working progress for me, I still find myself at times just doing and not feeling, conforming, hiding myself, not speaking up, being afraid to love or show my emotions and being afraid to be vulnerable. But there are also times where I have challenged those area's as well and completely jumped off the cliff of fear and into the unknown. I have told others how I feel about them, I have spoken up for love and truth and shared my feelings or thoughts on certain subjects, I have confronted angry women and men and unloving behaviour towards me, I have stood up for unloving behaviour towards others and I have let out my childlike nature and humour around others.
I feel to some degree I have changed over the last few years and feel my real self poking out more now but I still find myself at times retreating and hiding again when things get a little scary or too confronting, and then coming back out again for another peak or test the water a little again. Nevertheless I enjoy myself as a person a lot more than I used to, I enjoy getting to know me and all of what I am passionate about. I always thought music was my only passion but I'm discovering I am passionate about so much more and sometime's I even think I'm alright on occasion and can show a lot of compassion towards myself when in the past I have always had a tendency to self punish. This is where I am at now but the goal is to get to the stage of being a 100% emotional feeling being, to discover all that my soul was created to be and to show my true colours to others 100% of the time.
Hope you enjoy and benefit from this in some way!
3 June 2015
The other day a 9 year old girl told me that her phone and computer was her life. My initial reaction was one of disbelief and judgement about how sad and terrible it was that a person so young could feel that way. I then became angry inside at how everyone has become walking computers devoid of any emotion and unwilling to share nothing more of themselves past the screen of a computer. How whatever interaction is shared or experienced between people is mostly in façade and emotional addiction with each other. In other words we are not really being our true selves in the company of others, we are presenting to people a version of ourselves that we and our environment have created in order to be accepted, we mould ourselves to be likeable by people rather than say how we truly feel and think.
Then I remembered that God's law of attraction brings us situations and events to teach us about what is unhealed within us. What we judge in others we judge and hate about ourselves. I started to realised that this young girl’s words were trying to teach me something about myself and that my anger and judgements were hiding some pretty big fears that I have about myself that I do not wish to admit. So I started to ask myself what is this young girl trying to teach me and this is what I learned:
In my façade I believe myself to be better than that, that I place importance on the things that matter like love, truth, honesty and having meaningful connections to people but what I think I am and what I really am are two completely different things. It’s easy for me to hide behind the screen of a computer and write loving words to somebody, to talk about something that I am passionate about or something that I believe in but when it comes to real life connections with people I do not have the same courage to share my feelings and emotions with others.
The truth is deep down I am scared and as a result I place importance on the things that don’t matter in life. I place importance on how others will perceive me and as a result I am scared to share all of me with people. I’m scared to let down my computer generated wall and let people see all of me and my brokenness. I’m scared to just be myself and be open, honest, truthful and transparent about who I am, what my beliefs, desires and passions are. I am scared to show people my humour and excitement. I am scared to ask the girl that I admire out on a date or tell somebody how beautiful they are or smile at people that I don’t know. I am afraid and ashamed to tell people that I believe in God preferring to refer to Her as my Creator, I am afraid to tell people that I believe that a guy named AJ Miller and a women named Mary Luck is Jesus and Mary Magdalene reincarnated out of fear of being accused of being a part of a cult and being seen as weird or crazy.
The reason I am scared is because I fear rejection. I have been taught from a very young age that its not ok to be truthful and honest about your feelings and that being truthful and honest will only bring me harm such as attack, physical and emotional abuse, ridicule and judgement. I have learned to mold myself into the person that my family have wanted me to be, they want me to feel, think, say and act in a way that doesn’t threaten or confront them. They want me to make them happy and as result I have learned to judge and attack myself for my true feelings and emotions rather than feel the grief that is inside of me about the judgements, attacks and rejection I have received from them in my childhood.
In my mind my greatest desire is to learn about love and become the loving person I know I can be but yet I am so fearful and afraid of everything that requires truth and real true love. These fears have me locked up and frozen and they have buried the child within me who was once unafraid to be vulnerable and full of courage, wonder and excitement.
I have a long, long way to go in releasing many of these fears but as I become more aware to what they are I can begin this process of allowing myself to connect to my painful emotions of fear and grief. I am able to take the necessary steps towards loving myself and letting go of those relationships that have been and continue to be damaging to my soul. The more I allow myself to grieve my childhood and feel my fears the more I allow myself to be my child like vulnerable self once again.' Thaylia
Words Mary Luck/Magdalene
Love and Compassion for others (especially those who attack)
Don’t expect myself to be perfect
‘Stay humble to my own feelings and I won’t become rigid or defensive, if I love myself enough to stay connected to myself I will be able to love others more, while I hold onto grief I hold onto the pain that can be inflicted through attack, when I allow myself to grieve I create space to love ALL others.’
‘I am not perfect and I am very afraid, my heart aches from a deep rocky hollow within me. I have a cavern in my chest that cries out at a life without family and a life of Truth that challenges so very many. But amidst all of this also grows a new hope, a vision of a life without fear of how others will view me and that place would be liberating indeed.’
Developing My Loving Self - The Creation of My Facade
Developing My Loving Self - The Creation of My Facade Q & A
Developing My Loving Self - Accepting My Facade
Developing My Loving Self - Accepting My Facade Q & A
Resistance to Humility P1
Resistance to Humility P2
Resistance to Humility P3
Resistance to Humility P4
ARTWORK CREDIT: FEAR BY ELOISA LYTTON-HITCHINS
'By living in fear we are agreeing to the lie that we really do have things to be afraid of and that love is not the most powerful force in the universe.' Mary Magdalene
F E A R - FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL
It has been 7 years since I have had a long term relationship and around 3 years since I have had any close friendships. When I moved to Sydney a lot of my old friendships grew a part and I have not really made any new friends. I also do not have my soulmate in my life. For so long I have believed in my head that I wanted friends and I wanted my soulmate however what I noticed in my life is that I had no one. This is where I began to question my 'desire's and if that was really what I believed I wanted because if we are in a situation where we don't have the things we think we desire it is usually because in our soul our feelings are very different to what our mind is telling us. If its not happening its because we don't want it and what usually blocks our desire's is either our fear, anger or shame.
I have had to explore the question why don't I want friends? Why don't I want my soulmate? I have been asking this question for months and was completely blocked to the answer until recently. With the help of my friend, discovering the emotion was like discovering the big fat elephant in the room for the very first time and it took me a couple of weeks to feel my sad emotions about it. Its always been there, always been a massive issue that has affected every aspect of my life including friendships and relationships and it is something that I have always known at least intellectually but chose to remain blind to it - and that is I have a massive emotional injury of FEAR OF ABANDONMENT.
I can see this issue has been a problem all my life and is directly related to mostly my mother but also including my father and family. Also being of Aboriginal descent I do carry the intergenerational injuries of my ancestors. There has always been a feeling inside of me of a loss, that I have or I am going to experience a devastating loss. However I want to focus on my injuries from my mother. There were many times my mother left me when I was really little so that she could go out and party and get wasted and I became severely distraught, afraid and would cry for hours. She emotionally abandoned me throughout some of the most difficult years of my teenage life when I was severely struggling with the truth of my sexual abuse. I never felt she understood me emotionally and therefore did not provide me with the emotional support I needed at the time. There were many times she became angry and violent towards me because of my sadness. I realise my family also abandoned me when the truth of my abuse came out. They turned their back on me and called mea liar. And my father has never really been there from the beginning and after years of a very emotionally abusive, controlling and toxic relationship towards me he decided to disown me when I was 24 so I decided from that moment on it was best to keep it that way.
My abandonment issues have many different layers but the one that has affected me the most is the abandonment I felt from my mother because of the unhealthy enmeshment that developed between us. Enmeshment or emotional incest is quite common between single parents and children but can also happen in families as well. All of the relationships and friendships I have attracted with women throughout my life have always exposed this injury I have with my mother, I have just not been able to see it until now. In my previous relationships I became highly anxious and paranoid about whether they really loved me or not. I became jealous, controlling and suspicious of their every move. I felt there was always a conspiracy and secret world going on with all of my partners, that they were always up to something. I could never trust them fully even if they said they loved me. In the end my unwillingness to feel my fear created my reality and my projection of my fear towards my previous partners drove them away to ultimately abandon me whether it be physically or emotionally.
There has been a pattern in the women I am attracted to, generally they are very shut down emotionally and highly addicted to substances just like my mother was. They are always quite angry and controlling and this causes me to sexually desire them even if I am not physically attracted to them. Due to the injury in my soul this causes me to feel attracted to them in order to feel safe and secure around them and gain their winning approval of me. I just want a woman to love me even if it means accepting their rage and anger. I want the woman who doesn't want me as I am always chasing the love of my mother. With women who seem too interested to be my friend I won't be interested or attracted to them at all and I will want a friendship but only at a distance. I will shut them out at any sign of danger of being rejected, too suffocated or unloved and I will leave them first before they can leave me. I have a severe mistrust in people where I don't trust anyone and have become highly self reliant in my life. I won't say how I feel and I will hide my true self. Yet if you treat me badly, are emotionally cold and distant and completely unavailable I will want what I can't have and be needy for your love. I will wait for all eternity to be with you and feel that you are THE ONE! I love unavailable people and I can swing from this pendulum of being needy for love towards those who are unavailable to being completely shut down and afraid of those who are available.
I have become a prisoner of my own fear, wanting to break free but I feel frozen and cold. My living space is literally a box like you see in the image. I live in a boarding house where I only have a small room that contains all of my belongings, there is no freedom to move about other then going to the toilet or the kitchen. I don't have a living room, back or front yard to stretch out in, relax and be seen. The outside of the building is dark grey, the carpets are brown and the walls are all one cream colour. The building has no colour and has been neglected on the inside much like my soul. It needs a good clean to make it bright again. My body is also in a severe amount of physical pain. I feel stiff and locked up and I have watched my beautiful brown strands of hair prematurely turn grey since the age of 21. Its sad to think that my fear has created this, that my fear has me frozen and locked up both emotionally and physically in the body and in my living situation.
My fear of being abandoned is much greater than my desire to love and be loved however becoming aware of my injury is now beginning the process of getting out of denial and is the first step to change. With this discovery I hope to turn it all around. My first question to God is how do I develop a desire to feel my fear of abandonment? At this stage I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel abandoned and alone, but yet I am abandoned and alone at the soul level. The more I don't allow myself to feel this the more my life will reflect what is in my soul until I desire to feel it and release it. Until we feel and release the emotional errors inside of our soul we will continue to attract the same situation to expose the error. My goal is to do some experiments in my life this year, put myself in social situations, get out of my prison of fear and allow my heart to be on the line. It is my fear that not only blocks my soulmate and loving friendships in my life but also God my Creator. How can I have something in my life if I fear it? I can't, my soul repels it.
Right now I am not healed of this and this is where I am at, the beginning of a sprouting awareness but hopefully I will have a different story to share over the coming years. It would be amazing to get to the point of feeling and releasing the fear, to be able to have the courage to be who I am and not be afraid to love or be loved. My dream would be to report back in the near future that I now have friends and a beautiful loving, bright, colourful home to live in and most of all that I have God and my soulmate in my life.
I have provided links and books that I have begun to read and listen to for anyone who may struggle with the same issues and a couple of songs that have been helping me to feel. See below!
Love Thaylia XX
PS The reality and truth is that I am not alone and God is there for me along with my guides however until I feel and release these fears I won't be able to feel that as a Truth in my soul.
Journal Entry - 25 March 17
'Today my big facade came crushing down. All this time I believed I wanted my soulmate when in fact I don't want anybody. I have created a life of isolation because I have lost complete trust and faith in people that they won't destroy, hurt or leave me. My fear of abandonment is so strong that I have written off and given up on people, friendships and relationships. I keep a big wall up and let no one into my heart including You.
I don't want my soulmate because I deeply fear she will leave me. I don't trust, I feel inadequate and that I'm a failure. I believe I'm defective. I prefer being on my own. I prefer being alone so that I can avoid at all costs any pain, rejection or hurt. I don't have faith in humanity. I want to be alone God. I dont want to let anyone in my heart.
I am still holding onto rage and anger about my childhood. I've built walls of mistrust because of what has happened to me. I still have rage and anger to those who harmed me. Through my rage and anger I've shut the door on humanity. I've turned my back on any possibility of relationships with others. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE GOD?!!!'
'MY FEET ARE ON THE EDGE BUT I CANT FLY JUST YET' THAYLIA
ARTWORK CREDIT: FEAR & FACADE BY ELOISA LYTTON-HITCHINS
Love Me Don't Leave Me - Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships by Michelle Skeen
Healing Through the Dark Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do when Parent's 'Love' Rules Your Life by Dr Patricia Love
Are You the One for Me? By Barbara de Angels
Divine Truth - Jesus on How Fear Disappears
Divine Truth - Fear is Your Friend (Part 1)
Divine Truth - Fear is Your Friend (Part 2)
Divine Truth - Fear, Emotions & False Beliefs (Part 1)
Divine Truth - Fear, Emotions & False Beliefs (Part 2)
ARTWORK CREDIT: LOVE RADAR BY ELOISA LYTTON-HITCHINS
I don’t go to church or support religion, I swear a lot, like to practice twerking alone in my room in front of the mirror . . . and I am gay. But that's not what I want to come out about - I have a confession to make - I am . . . . a God lover and it is my life goal to have a personal connection and relationship with God and ultimately become At-one with God’s Love. I have mostly referred to God as my Creator because I have fears of how others will perceive the word ‘God’ and I want you to like and accept me. Religion has done a great job of portraying God as some kind of man that sits on a throne judging people especially GAY people but there I said it . . . the 'G' word - I am a fully blown God lover who has officially come out of the closet and I am here to share the good news that God LOVES HER GAY children, in fact, created Her GAY children (another subject for later)!
All sounds like vegan cookies and cream and hallelujah and praises but it isn't. As I've discovered having a relationship with God isn't just about saying a few words and amen, it is about establishing a real time emotional connection just like we would with a person on earth - getting to know their personality, desire's, passions, learning knowledge from them and establishing a two way flow of love. Except this being God you cant see or hear so you have to rely completely on feeling Her instead - which means you have to be sensitive emotionally - which means if you have shut down your emotions you have to start feeling them again - which means having to feel all of your shit basically - which means healing every single little emotional error that exists inside of your soul that might block you from feeling God's emotions. Our soul is like a love radar, transmitting information out into the universe that will either attract us to or block love from our lives. If our transmitter is broken we won't be able to feel or sense God's Love. God's Love is there, available for all to feel without needing to be perfect but our emotional condition and beliefs prevents us from feeling Her and shuts down our love radar!
God has never really been on my love radar and I have never really loved or understood God at all even as a child growing up in a christian household and even when I was a mormon. My belief in God has been pretty much intellectual knowledge and it was based heavily on church doctrines and dogma and not based on personal emotional truth and first hand experience. I have never had personal experience that God loves me, is a REAL tangible Being that exists, that hears me, feels me and is somebody I can personally know and feel. It wasn't until I came across Divine Truth teachings that it opened my mind to the possibility of God being a completely different Being to what I had been taught.
However when I first learnt about Divine Truth, I didn't hear it and all of a sudden go yippy now I get to have God in my life. In fact, I didn't want God in my life, I just wanted God to fix my life - I just wanted to be magically happy. It took a year of me listening to Divine Truth teachings to finally decide ok I'm going to give this relationship with God a go, after all this is the basis of Divine Truth teachings, that everyone on earth can have a personal, intimate and real connection with God and it does not require religion or the death or sacrifice of any living being to achieve this. So I bought a big fat journal and almost every single day of 2015 I wrote a letter to God. After a year of writing a letter to God though I realised that I still didn't know God in the way that I hoped would happen. I feel that I felt God's Love at times when I was feeling through my pain but I still didn't feel like I had Her in my life. I wanted to be able to wake up and feel that she was there.
On the 25 Dec 2015 I reflect in my journal:
'God, if I am really honest I do not have faith or yet trust in your existence, if you really exist and know me. I have had moments in the past where I have a strong sense of truth, that I am Your child and that you are my True Parent but yet I still do not have a strong trust that You are there, that you personally feel me and know me. How can I come to know You 100% TRULLY EXIST? Show me PLEASE.'
The answer came to me within a week. When God wants to teach us or show us She uses Her Law of Attraction to bring us events to expose what the emotional injuries or blocks are that prevent us from feeling Her and Her Love. I don't have time to explain what happened but what I discovered through God's Law of Attraction was that I still had some deep core emotions about my earthly father that I had not yet connected to and as a result I was associating God with how my earthly father treated me. I still viewed God as a man, a punishing man who didn't care about me, who has never been there for me, someone who's unreliable and can't be trusted. Basically I was blaming God for how my father treated me and saying to God from my soul, God I believe you are a CUNT just like my father and I can't trust you. In my mind I want to have a relationship with you but my feeling in my soul is saying no I don't you are just going to disappoint me, not love me or care for me just like my earthly father. You will abandon me.
On the 29 Dec 2015 I wrote in my journal:
'I'm angry at my father for always breaking his promises to me. He's a cunt, completely unreliable, he's never been there for me and I do hate him. He never provided for me or took care of me and that's how I feel about You God. You are so rich and abundant but yet you do not take care of my basic needs. I do not trust in You, that I can fully 100% trust You with my life, I feel I have to do it all by myself, that the only reliable person in my life is me.'
BAM there it was! I had to come to realise that it wasn't God who didn't love me it was my earthly father. My earthly father is the person who has harmed me and caused me pain. It was my earthly father who abandoned me and treated me like shit not God. I had to emotionally feel the hurt and pain of my father's treatment of me in order to stop blaming God for something She didn't do and allow Her into my life. These emotional injuries towards my earthly father was preventing me from feeling God in my life much like it would if you were in a relationship with someone. You can't possibly love them or feel their love if you do not trust them. When we have unhealed emotional injuries from either of our parents and we do not allow the hurt out it won't only affect our ability to connect to God but it will also affect our ability to connect to both men and women.
Over the past year I have been working on disassociating God from my earthly father by choosing to not view God as the same as my earthly father. I have had to allow myself to connect to my anger and grief about how my earthly father treated me. I had to make a choice to view God as someone who is loving, kind and gentle, the complete opposite of my earthly father. God is nothing like my earthly father and only wants the best for me. Once I began to do that my heart began to soften and open up towards God and the possibility that She was good and not like what I had been taught. I began to feel more fulfilled and connected to myself, I began to worry less about not being perfect or good enough. I began to start loving myself because thats what God wants for me. God doesn't want me to hate myself like my earthly father did. I was no longer choosing to believe the lies my earthly father taught me about myself and I began to trust God's view of me.
In this place God also began to teach me about myself and I had a couple of personal experiences that I will share in detail at a later time that have strengthened my faith in a good God who wants to be there for me. However my relationship with God is still a working progress. Even with all of these experiences things have not happened magically and I am still learning to become 100% God reliant. I have been highly self reliant for a very long time because of my complete lack of trust in anyone else being there for me and this is not going to change over night without me working through and feeling all of the anger and hurt inside me from every little single corner of my life.
Can you see why it isn't all vegan cookies and cream, hallelujah and praises? It's a very real process that cannot be intellectually worked through like some university course. You cannot get there via your mind, it is only via your emotions that you will come to know God - it is a soul to soul connection. I hope to share more of my journey in getting to know God over the coming years as I experiment with Her in this relationship. I do not foresee that my relationship with God will happen overnight, it is a very personal experience that will take as much time based on my desire and faith. It doesn't require me to attend any church or to have a saviour, all it requires is for me to seek God with all of my heart and never give up.
I want a love radar that feels God's Love!
Love Thaylia XX
Developing My Will to Love Assistance Group 2016 - I speak at 30:13 about my feelings towards God
The REAL Truth about God
God is not a man that sits on a throne judging people and is without human form. God is an entity who is in the form of a soul that is genderless but has masculine and feminine qualities. I sometimes refer to God as a He or She because I believe God is our Mother and Father who created our souls in the image and likeness of their Soul.
God is our True Parent and exists outside of this universe many, many million light years away. All of Gods creations are enveloped by Her Soul, in other words the universe and this earth and all the planets and everything that God has created are all contained within God’s Soul, that is how big God’s Soul is and is the reason why God can be felt by many people at the same time. God is only a God of Love and the way God communicates to Her children is through emotion in particular the emotion of God’s Divine Love. It is the love that comes from God and is very different to natural love, which is the love that is transmitted between humans.
What is Divine Love?
Divine Love, God’s Love is an energetic substance and an emotion that brings with it the gift of immortality where it has the ability to transform the human soul where the physical body will no longer age, disease or die. It can only be felt by humans who have a sincere desire or longing for it. God is unable to force Her Love upon others that do not want it as God wants to respect our free will and understands that not all of Her children want to have a relationship with Her. God isn’t offended by this but is always ready and waiting to gift Her Divine Love when it is requested. Emotion can be transmitted by the speed of light therefore although God is many million light years away it is possible to feel God’s Divine Love instantly when you desire or long for it.
What it feels like to receive Divine Love
The way that Divine Love is transmitted is from God’s Soul to our soul, in the human form we cannot see the Love flow into our soul but we can feel it. Our soul is an invisible entity that envelopes our body, it is attached and envelopes both our physical and spirit body. You will know when you are receiving God’s Divine Love into your soul because you will cry. Our soul is our container for our emotions therefore when Divine Love is received into our soul it will automatically trigger us to feel our emotions. Due to our unhealed condition we will feel grief when receiving God’s Love because of the painful emotions that we carry in our soul we will cry, we will feel our grief of not having this Love in our life for so long, a Love like no other that is pure and warm and says you are worthy. The only time that Divine Love cannot flow into the soul of a human is when we have blockages, these blockages might be fears towards God or false beliefs about God and other factors.
THE GREAT EXPERIMENT
If anybody wants to get to know if God exists and Divine Love is real then I encourage you to engage in the Great Experiment and ask God, say ‘ If God is an entity who exists and has Love to give then I would love to receive it’. It cannot be asked from the mind, it has to be asked from you heart as a sincere longing that is emotional and not an intellectual process.
If you would like to know more I recommend checking out this playlist and watching all of the Secrets of the Universe sessions! Also head to the Divine Truth tab on this blog for more resources
I wanted to take this opportunity to say happy new year and share my journey with you over the last 3 years. Leaving 2016 and heading into 2017 was my 3 year anniversary on many levels. 3 yrs being sober, 3 yrs being vegan, 3 yrs since I moved to Sydney, 3 yrs since learning about Divine Truth and 3 yrs since I released my first ever music single Hope!
To celebrate this journey I have created a special remix of Hope with a bit of a twist. Over the last 3 years I have learnt many wonderful and beautiful truths about life and love that I want to share in this new remix. I have learnt that there is something more, something greater than hope and that is faith - a belief in something that you have personally experienced and know is true and will happen. Although hope can be a very positive tool in our lives it can also be fleeting and isn't built upon truth but is a wish for something that you are unsure will happen. This remix also gives me the opportunity to correct some of the errors in my beliefs about life that was contained in the original song because when I originally wrote Hope, I would say that I was in a pretty dark place, I was quite lost and seeking for something greater than what life was giving me. Ok let's face it, I was in a very needy place of wanting someone else to give me happiness, I wanted someone to make me whole and happy. I was seeking an external fix to internal issues that could only be fixed by me and something greater than me.
In this new remix I have attempted to narrate a message that reflects God's Truth that I have learnt from Divine Truth teachings over the last 3 yrs. The truths I share are a mixture of quotes from Yeshua that I have collected from attending seminars and my own words of encouragement that its never to late to begin or start over when it comes to change, growth and healing. The remix is called Feel's Like Home (Hope) - Thaylia Twist and the title is taken from one of my favourite lyrics from the original 'I've said hello to my heart, and its the only place that feels like home'. I wanted to rename it because over the last 3 years this is exactly what I have been doing, I have spent time getting to know my heart and whats inside of it. For the majority of my life I have avoided my heart and was in an extreme amount of denial about the truth of my life. As a result I was in a lot of pain emotionally and when I finally had the courage to face and say hello to my heart I discovered that it wasn't fleshy and soft anymore, it was hardened and callused from all of the anger, resentment, hate, blame and shame that I had been pretending for so long didn't exist.
I have chosen to release this song on the 26 Jan as it seemed like a fitting opportunity. To many this day is a celebration of this great land of Australia being home and to others it is a painful reminder of a home and a life that was once taken. I wasn't there when the first fleet rolled in or when they took the babies and I definitely have not endured the same amount of oppression of those gone before me, but as an ascendant of this ancient culture I do carry the unhealed emotions of my ancestors. On the 4 August 2015 I wrote in my journal 'When you go so deep into your soul to discover you are ashamed of your own existence'. And that has been the truth of my feelings in my heart. All my life I have had an unexplained feeling of not belonging, not fitting in, not feeling like I have a place that I can call home, I have also had a feeling of being abandoned by my mother or feeling like I will lose her but none of these have happened to me in my life, I have always had a roof over my head and always had my mother by my side growing up.
It is only recently that I have come to understand through Divine Truth teachings that some of our emotional injuries are generational and are passed down from generation to generation from our parents, grandparents, great grandparents and so forth. All of these toxic emotions I had bottled up for so long about my family dynamics, my childhood abuse, the actions that I have taken that have caused harm to others and the damage that others have caused me emotionally were like a bottle ready to explode and explode is what it did like shit hitting the fan. It was everywhere, it was yukky, painful and I had to face it for real and face it alone. It was the first time in my life that I was completely alone, no partner, I was in a new city so I had no friends and I was estranged from my family. I had to finally own what was now mine despite however it got inside of me and I could no longer rely or depend on any external source to fix me.
As I have allowed myself to go through this process I have felt for the first time in 2016 the sun come out from beneath the clouds, maybe for brief moments, nevertheless more than I have ever felt in my whole lifetime. It was as if I had taken my first gasp of air from a deep and suffocating sleep and my heart began to beat again. I have felt more connected to myself, more awake and more feeling. I have discovered more parts of my personality and nature, that I am not only funny (at least to me anyway), but extremely sensitive, a deep thinker and analyser and strong willed. All parts of my personality that I can remember were present through childhood but somehow got buried beneath the rubble. No I have not yet been able to release any causual emotions from my soul but I feel God has taken me through a very important process of slowly bringing me back to life and getting me out of denial and facing myself and I am certain there is more still to come.
Until somebody makes a conscious decision to heal and break the cycle, these emotions will stay stuck in us and will continue to penetrate the souls of future generations. I have decided that I would love for the pain to end with me, that I will do all that is in my power to release the emotions inside of me that keep me locked up and stagnant. I want to heal and I want to love. The first step to healing is getting out of denial and ending the blame. Allow ourselves to connect with the pain that is inside of us and cry without blaming or holding onto our anger towards others. My friend Christiana describes this process beautifully in a recent post of her's:
'We are emotional beings, its our natural, god-given state. Tears are the essential tool for healing. Without tears we don’t complete the healing process of release. God gave us the ability to cry to wash our soul of the things that hurt us, that keep us imprisoned, that cause our pain and suffering, to restore our purity.
A healing cry feels like a hose is connected to the pain in our heart and soul, it pours, gushes out unimpeded. It can be intense, involving our whole feeling body. There are waves of flow. The key is to trust the process and keep allowing the flow until its done. It feels deeply relieving and cleansing. Gradually, there comes a natural end, a disinct feeling of space, clarity and lightness arrives. Its like the sun coming out after a storm.
Before, during and after the crying event, pray to receive Divine Love to fill your soul.
A anger tantrum, a pity cry doesn’t give the same results. The motivation for this type of crying is not for healing, its a demand for others to be responsible to make us feel better. It causes more pain and disappointment. It’s part of a neverending cycle of suffering, until the motivation changes to something more honest. A healing cry allows us to resolve things without involving others...a part from God.
Crying for healing, requires courage, openness, honesty, vulnerability to feel and surrender to the intensity of pain. If engaged fully, this can lead to the resolution of the pain. By controlling emotions, being stoic takes us into a place of denial. Denial creates disease and trauma. Denial is the thief that robs our hopes and dreams of a healthy future.' Read full post here
It is no doubt that what happened with the colonisation of Australia it has had both positive and devastating effects which is still being felt today. As an Aboriginal Australian I have learnt that no matter what has happened to my ancestors or me in the past, or who did it, I now have a responsibility to heal myself today as no one else can do it for me. I have learnt that I cannot force others around me to change or give me the things that I want, I am the only one who has control over changing my life and healing myself. This has to come from a choice that I make regardless of what others do or don't do and that is what this new remix is encouraging to do.
If you would like a free download of the song head to my Soundcloud. I have also put together a montage of my journey over music video making over the last 3 years where you will find behind the scenes footage of my music video shoots, bloopers and footage that didn't make the cut.
Thank you for joining me on my journey into my soul. I wish you all the best for 2017 and may we all have the courage to say hello to our hearts because it is in this place that where our hope can transform to faith and we can begin the journey of healing back to our real home.
Love Thaylia X
‘ . . . we’re encouraging you towards is a very sensitive place. We're talking about denial and addiction, which are the things that keep us numb, and underneath that is the wealth of emotion that you've been shutting down since you were conceived nearly. But even if you consider when you were a child, you were far more sensitive and wide open to the world and you could easily discern when something was loving and not.’ Mary
'The human soul in its pure, pristine, undamaged and original state is like a big bright bubble full of energy that that will contain more than one hundred times the energy than the power of the sun currently contains. It is a powerhouse generator full of white bright light. The human soul in its damaged and undeveloped state is more like an over boiled shrivelled little pea full of murky grey black colours. This is her soul, it is like a broken down old car with layers and layers of thick built up mud that has yet to be washed off. At this stage she can only imagine who the real her is because of all the mud that has been splattered over her, makes her unrecognisable to herself. Right now her soul is like a big empty pit that feels full of nothing and the more she tries to fill it the more the hole gets bigger. Its like feeding a parasite where you are constantly hungry for more. But bit by bit, little by little as she begins to wash the mud off somewhere beneath the layers of mud she will become new and you will find her, in her pure real state, the real her, her soul.’ Thaylia (24 July 2016)
I took a lyric writing elective at uni and I had to write a paragraph using sense bound language to describe a person and I decided to write about my soul. I long for this day, the day when I become new again. The day that I can say that I am full of love and not full of nothing. The day when I know who I am and I am living my truth 100%. For so long I have felt so empty and lost in this world, a deep feeling of not belonging and not fitting in. I feel like the black sheep, the outcast, the unwanted, the crazy one, the weird one, the overly sensitive one, the one that is always thinking deep and the one that could never be loved. Intellectually I know that these are false beliefs and are not true but they are very real emotions that exist inside of me that I am yet to completely release.
From about the age of 13 I began to feel this disconnection within myself from my family and the world. I never felt understood by my family and felt extremely emotionally shut out. Deep down I craved real emotional connection with my family and the world but could never find it and still haven’t found it. I tried hard to always fit in and mould myself to conform to what my family wanted me to be and to what society said I should be. I turned to substances, meaningless friendships and relationships to fill the big gaping void inside of me, I was desperate to feel something, anything, even if it was fake, it was better than nothing to me.
I have spent all my life trying to fit in, creating different facades and personas just to gain other’s approval. I have moulded myself to suit different environments out of fear of just being who I am because I am terrified of being attacked, abused and unloved for being who I am. From a very young age I have been told what to feel, say, think, be and act mostly from my mother but also my father on a smaller scale. Unfortunately this was the only way that I could get their approval and when I felt the most loved as a child was when I was pleasing them and other people around me otherwise love was withdrawn from me. So as an adult I have created emotional addictions in pleasing others both male and female in order to feel accepted and loved.
Due to these unhealed injuries with my mother mostly, there are holes in my soul, vortex’s of energy or opening’s where I am a magnet for attracting women who are angry, controlling and demanding, just like my mother and I am easily drawn into friendships with these women who seek to oppress me. I also now have emotional injuries where I myself am terrified of opening my heart and exposing myself to others. The very few times I have opened my heart, I have felt so uncomfortable and ashamed of myself as if I had done the worst thing possible.
My addiction to need others approval in the end has only caused me pain as I have discovered the very people you change yourself for in order for them to like you in the end only end up attacking or abandoning you - the very thing you fear. Friendships based on facade and addictions in the end are built upon a very weak foundation that will sooner or later begin to crack and eventually disintegrate. Its been exhausting and painful and I have had a massive lightbulb moment and realisation recently that I will never be a part of the majority. I am Aboriginal, lesbian, vegan, I believe in God and that Jesus and Mary Magdalene have returned to earth and I have personally met them and call them my friends. I couldn’t be more further from the majority and to even try to fit in with this background and beliefs is just not going to happen. I have to face the reality that I’m considered a minority by the world’s standard, that I will never fit in with such a status and that this desire to fit in is an addiction. An addiction to avoiding my painful emotions of being completely unloved and unwanted by my family and the world.
I have come to realise I am not going to be loved by the world or the people in it and they are not obliged to love me. These are error based feeling inside of my soul that I need to grieve and release that are directly related to feeling emotionally abandoned an unloved by my family. I must come to love myself 100% first and foremost, that means giving up all these facades and the desperate neediness to fit in and be loved by others. The only person who is going to truly love me is God, my Creator, the Great Artist and this is the relationship I must seek first and foremost. She is the one that will fill my soul with Her Bright Light, wash all the mud off and make me all shiny and new again. She is the one that will love me and accept me for who I am, She is the one that will understand me completely and allow me to be who I am. She is the one who will fill me so that I will hunger no more. She is the one that will lead me back to my real self again.
The next step is to now challenge my addiction to wanting other’s approval, accept and deconstruct my many facades and emotionally release my false beliefs and injuries from my soul. Say no to unloving friendships or relationships of any kind that are spiritually and emotionally damaging, and seek God with all my heart. Don’t compromise.
At around the time I made the decision to see and speak to a counsellor almost a year had passed since I left high school and began my new job. During that time I had pretty much lost all contact with my friends and went through periods of extreme amounts of loneliness, so when I had an old friend A___ call up and invite me out with her friend G___, I jumped at the opportunity. The night arrived and A___ and G___ came and picked me up, although G___ also went to our high school I was not close to her and didn’t know her well but unbeknown to me that night would be the start of a decade long friendship and a pivotal moment that would lead me down a path I would never expect. From the moment I jumped in the car I was handed two little white tablets from G___ who tells me they are dexamphetamines, prescription medication that her younger siblings take for ADD, she often takes the bottles and sells them. Without hesitation I am an enthusiastic and willing participant. I soon begin to feel the rushes of the medication kicking in and instantly fall in love with the feeling. This would be my first taste of narcotics which would soon lead to ecstasy and amphetamines.
G___ and I surprisingly hit it off, I never would have imagined becoming friends with somebody like G___ as she was considered a part of the popular group at high school, she was stunning and I felt the complete opposite to that but we became inseparable and it felt as if she took me under her wing. Every spare moment we could get we would hang out with each other, almost every night of the week I would have her over for dinner and then we would go to the park and get stoned and then walk to maccas for more food, giggling and laughing along the way. Sometimes we would just go back to mine and have cornflakes, toast or milo and mum would say ‘you girls on cloud nine ay’ and we would giggle and tottle off to my room and just talk and laugh some more. G___ was a welcomed rainbow after many months of very dark and stormy clouds where I felt I didn’t have any friends in the world. She really lit up my life and for the first time in ages I felt I had someone to call my friend.
Somehow amongst all of the addiction and facade, we had moments of realness. We would end up having really deep and meaningful conversations about life and it was during these times I found out that she was a mormon and she would share her feelings about God and the purpose of life and slowly Nudgie and God began creeping back into my life. I became intrigued so much that I began to go to church with her and various church activities and family home evenings at C___ house. I immediately warmed to C___ , she was from Columbia and was a very passionate and interesting lady, she was also very mediumistic but she wasn’t allowed to practice her mediumship because of the church. It was at her family home evenings that the mormon missionaries would come over and we would eat and then they would share their message. I remember having a lot of resistance to their message because inside I was still angry at God and Nudgie and I hated religion. I would say but what about this or what about that and every answer they gave me seemed to make sense at that time but G___ and I still partied and took drugs and then we would go straight from the club to church so she could teach her Sunday school class.
Secretly inside I began to develop strong sexual feelings for G___, I secretly wished that we would be together but I never told her. There was one guy in particular that we met while we were out that picked up on it and he would tell her to be careful because he thought I was a lesbian. I denied it of course and said it wasn’t true but I think G___ felt it as well but we never spoke about it. I was still at this stage in much denial of my sexuality, I would still act as if I was interested in guys to push it away. We were heavily involved in the club scene in Perth going out most nights of the week and taking ecstasy almost every weekend and smoking marijuana to come down and sleep. The come downs from the pills in combination with marijuana was a toxic combination that really began to psychologically disturb me. I would become quite paranoid and silently nutty where I would have so many thoughts in my head, it was like my mind wouldn’t shut up and instead of the marijuana putting me to sleep I would lay for hrs seeing weird colours and shapes and just feeling crazy in general.
This went on for 9 months but the honeymoon period in our friendship began to wear off and as fast as we became inseparable we also began to drift a part. It was inevitable that G___ being as stunning as she was would end up meeting someone and she did. She met a a guy and began spending every waking minute with him and I was devastated. It was as if she had broken up with me and moved onto someone new, thats how I felt at least. Over this period I had begun to develop a close bond with her family, it was as if I was a part of her family now as I was over there a lot, and despite my drifting friendship with G___ I still spent time with them. One day I was really upset at the realisation that I was losing G___ as a friend, I was feeling broken and more lost than ever, the drugs were taking its toll on my physical and mental wellbeing and I felt like my world was falling a part.
I don’t remember what happened I just remember sitting with her mother in G___ bedroom crying and her mum said, do you want to speak with the missionaries? I will give them a call and they can come over. So I agreed. I was given my first discussions, what they teach to people who they are trying to convert. They asked me at the end of the first lesson if I would consider getting baptised. I said I’m not sure I will have to think about it. That night I went home and in the morning when I woke up I had these thoughts drop into my head, your gonna go on a mission and as soon as I had those thoughts drop into my head I had this overwhelming feeling of surety and joy that that is what I was going to do and from the feeling that I got I automatically assumed that the church must be true and I should be baptised. I went from one day being completely lost and on a path of destruction to now all of a sudden having a bursting desire to go and serve a mission for the mormons and I couldn’t wait to tell G___ parents and the missionaries that yes I wanted to be baptised.
I was 19 when I got baptised and it was on the 6 of Dec 1998. Although I had a couple of slip ups with drugs in the first year of my baptism once I made the decision to be baptised I immediately ceased all drug taking and partying and became a diligent ‘student’ of the ‘Gospel’. I woke up early to study the scriptures every day, I went to church every Sunday, and began to feel a deep love for God and Nudgie again. I began to feel like I had a purpose and that my life mattered, I felt a sense of belonging in the church, the members were warm and welcoming and made me feel like I was a part of a family and a community. My family on the other hand almost disowned me for becoming a mormon, both my mother and grandparents thought I was being brainwashed and becoming a part of a cult and tried their hardest to persuade me from joining the church. I didnt listen of course, when there’s something I want to do good or bad, no one can stop me. I felt that this was a very positive move for my life compared to the path I was on, the church gave me a reason to live and I just felt in my heart thats where I needed to be. I soon became an active member of the church, taking on church callings and making plans for my mission. Not long after joining the church I met a guy and got involved in a relationship. Of course there was no sex before marriage so we never went there but I had big dreams and goals for my life now, being gay was now a figment of my imagination and for the first time ever I was desiring to have a family and children, seven of them to be exact! I wanted to serve a mission, be the best servant of the Lord, come back and get married in the temple and have a BIG family! Or so I thought!
To be cont . . .