'The human soul in its pure, pristine, undamaged and original state is like a big bright bubble full of energy that that will contain more than one hundred times the energy than the power of the sun currently contains. It is a powerhouse generator full of white bright light. The human soul in its damaged and undeveloped state is more like an over boiled shrivelled little pea full of murky grey black colours. This is her soul, it is like a broken down old car with layers and layers of thick built up mud that has yet to be washed off. At this stage she can only imagine who the real her is because of all the mud that has been splattered over her, makes her unrecognisable to herself. Right now her soul is like a big empty pit that feels full of nothing and the more she tries to fill it the more the hole gets bigger. Its like feeding a parasite where you are constantly hungry for more. But bit by bit, little by little as she begins to wash the mud off somewhere beneath the layers of mud she will become new and you will find her, in her pure real state, the real her, her soul.’ Thaylia (24 July 2016)
I took a lyric writing elective at uni and I had to write a paragraph using sense bound language to describe a person and I decided to write about my soul. I long for this day, the day when I become new again. The day that I can say that I am full of love and not full of nothing. The day when I know who I am and I am living my truth 100%. For so long I have felt so empty and lost in this world, a deep feeling of not belonging and not fitting in. I feel like the black sheep, the outcast, the unwanted, the crazy one, the weird one, the overly sensitive one, the one that is always thinking deep and the one that could never be loved. Intellectually I know that these are false beliefs and are not true but they are very real emotions that exist inside of me that I am yet to completely release.
From about the age of 13 I began to feel this disconnection within myself from my family and the world. I never felt understood by my family and felt extremely emotionally shut out. Deep down I craved real emotional connection with my family and the world but could never find it and still haven’t found it. I tried hard to always fit in and mould myself to conform to what my family wanted me to be and to what society said I should be. I turned to substances, meaningless friendships and relationships to fill the big gaping void inside of me, I was desperate to feel something, anything, even if it was fake, it was better than nothing to me.
I have spent all my life trying to fit in, creating different facades and personas just to gain other’s approval. I have moulded myself to suit different environments out of fear of just being who I am because I am terrified of being attacked, abused and unloved for being who I am. From a very young age I have been told what to feel, say, think, be and act mostly from my mother but also my father on a smaller scale. Unfortunately this was the only way that I could get their approval and when I felt the most loved as a child was when I was pleasing them and other people around me otherwise love was withdrawn from me. So as an adult I have created emotional addictions in pleasing others both male and female in order to feel accepted and loved.
Due to these unhealed injuries with my mother mostly, there are holes in my soul, vortex’s of energy or opening’s where I am a magnet for attracting women who are angry, controlling and demanding, just like my mother and I am easily drawn into friendships with these women who seek to oppress me. I also now have emotional injuries where I myself am terrified of opening my heart and exposing myself to others. The very few times I have opened my heart, I have felt so uncomfortable and ashamed of myself as if I had done the worst thing possible.
My addiction to need others approval in the end has only caused me pain as I have discovered the very people you change yourself for in order for them to like you in the end only end up attacking or abandoning you - the very thing you fear. Friendships based on facade and addictions in the end are built upon a very weak foundation that will sooner or later begin to crack and eventually disintegrate. Its been exhausting and painful and I have had a massive lightbulb moment and realisation recently that I will never be a part of the majority. I am Aboriginal, lesbian, vegan, I believe in God and that Jesus and Mary Magdalene have returned to earth and I have personally met them and call them my friends. I couldn’t be more further from the majority and to even try to fit in with this background and beliefs is just not going to happen. I have to face the reality that I’m considered a minority by the world’s standard, that I will never fit in with such a status and that this desire to fit in is an addiction. An addiction to avoiding my painful emotions of being completely unloved and unwanted by my family and the world.
I have come to realise I am not going to be loved by the world or the people in it and they are not obliged to love me. These are error based feeling inside of my soul that I need to grieve and release that are directly related to feeling emotionally abandoned an unloved by my family. I must come to love myself 100% first and foremost, that means giving up all these facades and the desperate neediness to fit in and be loved by others. The only person who is going to truly love me is God, my Creator, the Great Artist and this is the relationship I must seek first and foremost. She is the one that will fill my soul with Her Bright Light, wash all the mud off and make me all shiny and new again. She is the one that will love me and accept me for who I am, She is the one that will understand me completely and allow me to be who I am. She is the one who will fill me so that I will hunger no more. She is the one that will lead me back to my real self again.
The next step is to now challenge my addiction to wanting other’s approval, accept and deconstruct my many facades and emotionally release my false beliefs and injuries from my soul. Say no to unloving friendships or relationships of any kind that are spiritually and emotionally damaging, and seek God with all my heart. Don’t compromise.