ARTWORK CREDIT: FEAR BY ELOISA LYTTON-HITCHINS
'By living in fear we are agreeing to the lie that we really do have things to be afraid of and that love is not the most powerful force in the universe.' Mary Magdalene
F E A R - FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL
It has been 7 years since I have had a long term relationship and around 3 years since I have had any close friendships. When I moved to Sydney a lot of my old friendships grew a part and I have not really made any new friends. I also do not have my soulmate in my life. For so long I have believed in my head that I wanted friends and I wanted my soulmate however what I noticed in my life is that I had no one. This is where I began to question my 'desire's and if that was really what I believed I wanted because if we are in a situation where we don't have the things we think we desire it is usually because in our soul our feelings are very different to what our mind is telling us. If its not happening its because we don't want it and what usually blocks our desire's is either our fear, anger or shame.
I have had to explore the question why don't I want friends? Why don't I want my soulmate? I have been asking this question for months and was completely blocked to the answer until recently. With the help of my friend, discovering the emotion was like discovering the big fat elephant in the room for the very first time and it took me a couple of weeks to feel my sad emotions about it. Its always been there, always been a massive issue that has affected every aspect of my life including friendships and relationships and it is something that I have always known at least intellectually but chose to remain blind to it - and that is I have a massive emotional injury of FEAR OF ABANDONMENT.
I can see this issue has been a problem all my life and is directly related to mostly my mother but also including my father and family. Also being of Aboriginal descent I do carry the intergenerational injuries of my ancestors. There has always been a feeling inside of me of a loss, that I have or I am going to experience a devastating loss. However I want to focus on my injuries from my mother. There were many times my mother left me when I was really little so that she could go out and party and get wasted and I became severely distraught, afraid and would cry for hours. She emotionally abandoned me throughout some of the most difficult years of my teenage life when I was severely struggling with the truth of my sexual abuse. I never felt she understood me emotionally and therefore did not provide me with the emotional support I needed at the time. There were many times she became angry and violent towards me because of my sadness. I realise my family also abandoned me when the truth of my abuse came out. They turned their back on me and called mea liar. And my father has never really been there from the beginning and after years of a very emotionally abusive, controlling and toxic relationship towards me he decided to disown me when I was 24 so I decided from that moment on it was best to keep it that way.
My abandonment issues have many different layers but the one that has affected me the most is the abandonment I felt from my mother because of the unhealthy enmeshment that developed between us. Enmeshment or emotional incest is quite common between single parents and children but can also happen in families as well. All of the relationships and friendships I have attracted with women throughout my life have always exposed this injury I have with my mother, I have just not been able to see it until now. In my previous relationships I became highly anxious and paranoid about whether they really loved me or not. I became jealous, controlling and suspicious of their every move. I felt there was always a conspiracy and secret world going on with all of my partners, that they were always up to something. I could never trust them fully even if they said they loved me. In the end my unwillingness to feel my fear created my reality and my projection of my fear towards my previous partners drove them away to ultimately abandon me whether it be physically or emotionally.
There has been a pattern in the women I am attracted to, generally they are very shut down emotionally and highly addicted to substances just like my mother was. They are always quite angry and controlling and this causes me to sexually desire them even if I am not physically attracted to them. Due to the injury in my soul this causes me to feel attracted to them in order to feel safe and secure around them and gain their winning approval of me. I just want a woman to love me even if it means accepting their rage and anger. I want the woman who doesn't want me as I am always chasing the love of my mother. With women who seem too interested to be my friend I won't be interested or attracted to them at all and I will want a friendship but only at a distance. I will shut them out at any sign of danger of being rejected, too suffocated or unloved and I will leave them first before they can leave me. I have a severe mistrust in people where I don't trust anyone and have become highly self reliant in my life. I won't say how I feel and I will hide my true self. Yet if you treat me badly, are emotionally cold and distant and completely unavailable I will want what I can't have and be needy for your love. I will wait for all eternity to be with you and feel that you are THE ONE! I love unavailable people and I can swing from this pendulum of being needy for love towards those who are unavailable to being completely shut down and afraid of those who are available.
I have become a prisoner of my own fear, wanting to break free but I feel frozen and cold. My living space is literally a box like you see in the image. I live in a boarding house where I only have a small room that contains all of my belongings, there is no freedom to move about other then going to the toilet or the kitchen. I don't have a living room, back or front yard to stretch out in, relax and be seen. The outside of the building is dark grey, the carpets are brown and the walls are all one cream colour. The building has no colour and has been neglected on the inside much like my soul. It needs a good clean to make it bright again. My body is also in a severe amount of physical pain. I feel stiff and locked up and I have watched my beautiful brown strands of hair prematurely turn grey since the age of 21. Its sad to think that my fear has created this, that my fear has me frozen and locked up both emotionally and physically in the body and in my living situation.
My fear of being abandoned is much greater than my desire to love and be loved however becoming aware of my injury is now beginning the process of getting out of denial and is the first step to change. With this discovery I hope to turn it all around. My first question to God is how do I develop a desire to feel my fear of abandonment? At this stage I don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel abandoned and alone, but yet I am abandoned and alone at the soul level. The more I don't allow myself to feel this the more my life will reflect what is in my soul until I desire to feel it and release it. Until we feel and release the emotional errors inside of our soul we will continue to attract the same situation to expose the error. My goal is to do some experiments in my life this year, put myself in social situations, get out of my prison of fear and allow my heart to be on the line. It is my fear that not only blocks my soulmate and loving friendships in my life but also God my Creator. How can I have something in my life if I fear it? I can't, my soul repels it.
Right now I am not healed of this and this is where I am at, the beginning of a sprouting awareness but hopefully I will have a different story to share over the coming years. It would be amazing to get to the point of feeling and releasing the fear, to be able to have the courage to be who I am and not be afraid to love or be loved. My dream would be to report back in the near future that I now have friends and a beautiful loving, bright, colourful home to live in and most of all that I have God and my soulmate in my life.
I have provided links and books that I have begun to read and listen to for anyone who may struggle with the same issues and a couple of songs that have been helping me to feel. See below!
Love Thaylia XX
PS The reality and truth is that I am not alone and God is there for me along with my guides however until I feel and release these fears I won't be able to feel that as a Truth in my soul.
Journal Entry - 25 March 17
'Today my big facade came crushing down. All this time I believed I wanted my soulmate when in fact I don't want anybody. I have created a life of isolation because I have lost complete trust and faith in people that they won't destroy, hurt or leave me. My fear of abandonment is so strong that I have written off and given up on people, friendships and relationships. I keep a big wall up and let no one into my heart including You.
I don't want my soulmate because I deeply fear she will leave me. I don't trust, I feel inadequate and that I'm a failure. I believe I'm defective. I prefer being on my own. I prefer being alone so that I can avoid at all costs any pain, rejection or hurt. I don't have faith in humanity. I want to be alone God. I dont want to let anyone in my heart.
I am still holding onto rage and anger about my childhood. I've built walls of mistrust because of what has happened to me. I still have rage and anger to those who harmed me. Through my rage and anger I've shut the door on humanity. I've turned my back on any possibility of relationships with others. WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE GOD?!!!'
'MY FEET ARE ON THE EDGE BUT I CANT FLY JUST YET' THAYLIA
ARTWORK CREDIT: FEAR & FACADE BY ELOISA LYTTON-HITCHINS
Love Me Don't Leave Me - Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships by Michelle Skeen
Healing Through the Dark Dark Emotions by Miriam Greenspan
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do when Parent's 'Love' Rules Your Life by Dr Patricia Love
Are You the One for Me? By Barbara de Angels
Divine Truth - Jesus on How Fear Disappears
Divine Truth - Fear is Your Friend (Part 1)
Divine Truth - Fear is Your Friend (Part 2)
Divine Truth - Fear, Emotions & False Beliefs (Part 1)
Divine Truth - Fear, Emotions & False Beliefs (Part 2)